My Father Would Not Show Us (Ingrid de Kok)

Ingrid de Kok's poem "My Father Would Not Show Us" explores themes of death, loss, and the complexities of familial relationships. Through vivid imagery and poignant reflection, the poem delves into the speaker's emotional journey as they grapple with their father's death and the memories it evokes. You can read the poem below and find analysis further down the page.

My Father Would Not Show Us by Ingrid de Kok

Which way do we face to talk to the dead? Rainer Maria Rilke

My father’s face

five days dead

is organised for me to see.

It’s cold in here

and the borrowed coffin gleams unnaturally;

the pine one has not yet been delivered.

Half-expected this inverted face

but not the soft, for some reason

unfrozen collar of his striped pyjamas.

This is the last time I am allowed

to remember my childhood as it might have been:

a louder, braver place,

crowded, a house with a tin roof

being hailed upon, and voices rising,

my father’s wry smile, his half-turned face.

My father would not show us how to die.

He hid, he hid away.

Behind the curtains where his life had been,

the ‑florist’s ‑ flowers curling into spring,

he lay inside, he lay.

He could recall the rag-and-bone man

passing his mother’s gate in the morning light.

Now the tunnelling sound of the dogs next door;

everything he hears is white. 

My father could not show us how to die.

He turned, he turned away.

Under the counterpane, without one call

or word or name,

face to the wall, he lay.

Analysis:

Facing Death: The poem begins with an epigraph by Rainer Maria Rilke, suggesting a contemplation of death and its mysteries. The speaker then reflects on their father's face, which they encounter five days after his death, symbolising the confrontation with mortality.

Sensory Details: The poem vividly describes the scene of the father's viewing, highlighting the coldness of the room and the unnatural gleam of the coffin. These details contribute to the atmosphere of sombreness and detachment surrounding the experience.

Memories and Regrets: The speaker reflects on their childhood memories of their father, longing for a time when he was alive and present. However, these memories are tinged with a sense of loss and longing, as the speaker grapples with the realisation that their father is gone.

Emotional Distance: Despite their desire for connection and understanding, the speaker acknowledges their father's emotional distance, both in life and in death. The father's reluctance to confront his mortality is depicted through his avoidance and withdrawal from the world.

Symbolism: The poem employs symbolism to convey the themes of death and absence. The father's hiding behind curtains and under the counterpane symbolises his retreat from life and his eventual surrender to death.

Narrative Structure: The poem unfolds as a reflective narrative, with the speaker recounting their experiences and emotions in response to their father's death. This narrative structure allows for a gradual exploration of the speaker's grief and acceptance.

Themes:

Death and Loss: The poem grapples with the themes of death and loss, as the speaker confronts the reality of their father's passing and the void it leaves behind.

Memory and Nostalgia: Memories of the past, particularly of the speaker's childhood, play a significant role in the poem, evoking feelings of nostalgia and longing for a time when their father was alive.

Emotional Distance: The poem explores the theme of emotional distance between family members, as the speaker reflects on their father's tendency to hide his emotions and withdraw from intimacy.

Acceptance and Closure: Ultimately, the poem suggests a process of acceptance and closure as the speaker comes to terms with their father's death and the inevitability of mortality.

Language and Structure:

Imagery: The poem employs vivid imagery to evoke the scene of the father's viewing and the speaker's memories of their childhood, enhancing the emotional impact of the poem.

Repetition: The repetition of the phrase "My father could not show us how to die" emphasises the father's emotional struggle and his inability to confront his mortality.

Enjambment: The poem features enjambment, with lines flowing seamlessly into one another, creating a sense of continuity and fluidity in the narrative.

Tone: The tone of the poem is sombre and introspective, reflecting the speaker's contemplation of death and their emotional response to their father's passing.

Epigraph: The inclusion of Rilke's epigraph adds depth and context to the poem, framing the speaker's reflections within a broader philosophical and existential framework.

Conclusion:

My Father Would Not Show Us by Ingrid de Kok is a poignant exploration of death, loss, and the complexities of family relationships. Through its evocative imagery, reflective narrative, and thematic depth, the poem offers insights into the emotional journey of grief and acceptance in the face of mortality.

You can find analysis of all the Edexcel Relationships Poetry Anthology Poems here.